Born Someone I'm Not

"People dont change, they only become more like themselves." I dont know if I agree with this as an absolute, but for the majority of people this is true. What do you think? But someone can become someone else entirely in five years. Maybe I've been thinking about this because of all of my personality conflict. Trying to define what I am. It's easier to define what someone isn't, but then you're never really sure. How complex people are! You can live with one your whole life long and still never fully understand them, even if they told you their every thought and emotion. But what frustrates me is when everyone treats you like you were in the past, but your different now, yet they treat you the same way.What is it you want in life? Most people will answer happiness or love. I dont care for these things. What I want is glory (a fancy word for a more substantial form of fame). Power. Money. Immortality (http://www.imminst.org/), this particular want may make you think of me as a dreamer lost in fantasy, but its a dreamer's vision that has brought everything. And lastly? to save the animals and children. The stories I know from across the world keep me up at night, which is rather an inconvienience. I'd like to sleep soundly again, like when...jeez- I never have slept well! *shudders* I had a reason to fear the darkness! Monsters in the form of faces a child should be able to trust hid there. I guess that means I also long for forgetfulness- but I'm far from being alone in that wish. C'est la vie. C'est la vie.Everyone is blinded by their own thoughts, wants, concerns- me too. Why do I feel so angry all the time? My life is good, there is nothing wrong, there is only my memories to torment me. And these feelings that are so new, this intense horror and humiliation. Feeling wrong all the time, askew. Trapped by everyone else, and their expectations! This is why I hate having a family, though they are wonderful and loving- why is it that I have what everyone wants and searches forever for- yet I dont want any of it? Why are these "blessings" wasted upon me? Let me elaborate- Never been diseased, never starved, never been homeless, I have a large, loving family, delightful in all its facets, popular and well-regarded at school, friends that bring enjoyment in accompanyment, and I myself, physically. Thin, tall (for a girl), long wavy blonde hair (which adults swear many spend hundreds of dollars trying to recreate on their own heads what occurs on mine naturally), pretty (or so I've so often been told). And had someone who loved her for her own sake and...had I not changed, would have married, and had her own family, home, and happiness.This image, of the common person's vision of happiness, makes me want to scream. What about those who long for love and family and a nice appearance, who focus on it daily- why do I have these things? I dont want them! I hate being restrained by filial obligations, and by the affections of another, I hate my looks, I hate being a woman! I hate it so much! I wish I was never born, rather than trapped in this female body, its a cruel joke and a curse. But if there is a god who intended this, he is most clever because he knew I would never choose to end myself. Only cowards resort to suicide. So you know why I really left R-anonymous (ex-fiance), the thought of him touching me made my skin crawl, or any male. Or them looking at me with love or lust in their eyes (frankly I cant say which repulses me more). Today my Dad is taking me to cut my hair.....How do I know for sure that I feel this way? I'd been wearing men's clothing and a sports bra (y'know, so I could have a flat chest) since I moved out, exclusively. Then I go to my Aunt's house and she and I were going out to dinner with friends of hers for one of them's birthday. She has been telling me ever since I was a little girl to act more like a lady, so she drags out a "proper" bra, dress, and heels and says, put 'um on! I protested for five minutes, but then standing in the bathroom, with the door locked, she asked to know why I didnt want to wear it, I'd already told her I didn't feel like it, and then I realized what was really wrong and that it was impossible to tell her...I got into those clothes quickly and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked wonderful, but I felt disgusting. I cried until she called me to ask what was taking so long. The rest of the evening I avoided anything reflective, but failed to ignore the stares and compliments. And I had to be polite and say "Thank you" I wanted to tear off the dress, and choke that stupid ogling waiter with it. I looked down atr my again femalized chest in revolted confusion, like "youre not supposed to be there". You may laugh at this, but what if you (men) were forced to wear a dress and heels and have breasts and be stared at by women who hated you and men who wanted to fuck you. And all the while be told "how lovely you are" and have to respond smiling "Thank you"!I'm sick of this!*sighs*I feel better now.I didn't expect this to turn into a rant, but this has been bothering me for the past month and I suppose its easier to confide to strangers (or empty space), than to one's friends. Is that wrong?