Today.
Meg and Christine have noticed I'm not doing too hot. I just told them I'm sad, but i dont want to talk about it right now. Its also what I've been telling my Dad. I want to talk to my friends about what's up, I just say I dont want to because there is literally not enough time for me to properly explain everything. I dont want to rush because there is only so many minutes before the bells ring. And also, I would like to be someplace private, like at home, or at Christine's house, and not at school where everyone will hear you and butt in on your conversation. No thanks. So, it has nothing to do with me trying to get them to wrest the problem out of me- I dont do that. But I wont get time for deeper conversations for a while. C'est la vie. I want to go to Christine's house this weekend, but she's rehearsing for her recital, and Meg cant go to her house because she's grounded (her mom found sexual texts from a guy on her phone- whoops!)....and I dont want to burden Christine with my negativity and effect her performance (this sounds sort of concieted to think that I could affect her performance that way, but I'd rather not have her thinking about me, when she needs to focus on her dancing. If Meg was there, well, it seems Meg and Christine together handle things better.
Even so, Im glad we're friends.
I'm reading a book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, called: Bad Childhood, Good Life. It's made me think a lot the past few days about my past. Im still dealing with stuff that happened. Is happening. More on this later.
Hmm...I have to go cook now for a school project. Au revoir!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
An email from Ray.
This is an email Ray sent me today:
--- On Tue, 4/21/09, Ray Smith wrote:From: Ray Smith Subject: Re: melancholy, change, and discovery.To: mr.kaleido@yahoo.com Date: Tuesday, April 21, 2009, 4:44 PM
Well.... Things are different, i have been finding a new way of life. In spirituality, in everything. But i just dont know about you.... I have not the slightest clue about you, who you are or anything. One moment your here next your gone. you go from happy to sad, and you aren't as enlightened as you should be..... I am confused..... I am also trying to figure out why you, it wasn't coincidence, it was our souls and the universe, the all and the mighty. Somehow i get the feeling that we have a part in each others future, but i just dont understand it now..... Oh well.... Maybe you can put in your thoughts about this topic....I also cant help but remember that random old lady, or my dream car, or any of it, it wont go away, and i think it shouldn't and that it doesnt have to. I am trying to avoid anything with you, but my efforts are seeming to be futile, there is more at work, something that wont let me just let this go. In any other case i would have moved on by now, but i dont get it. And it might be that our encounter was one to get me out into the world to meet the new people who have the right lessons for me at this given time.... Well, really got to go now.... Sleep sweat..... That is my favorite expression now.... LOL....
Part of my reply (I actually wrote a lot more):
I dont know about the whys of our meeting, Im not big on grand schemes. Nor do I dismiss it as chance encounter, though that may be what all things are. Does it matter? It doesnt change the fact of what has happened. Anyone who comes into your life for an extended period of time is going to affect you, for better or worse, so I think less that it was fate that us two specifically meeting for a pre-ordained reason for the embetterment of all involved, but more that we're just two people, we met, and happened to hit it off. It doesnt matter to me the intent, or the why, what matters is the effects. What changes because of this. This was good, because I longer carry that needy desperation for romantic or sexual love, to be fulfilled as a girl/woman. To have my childhood desire for a romantic/physical relationship with a guy around my age, the teenage romance, met. Im freed from it. Its the other needs that can now come to attention and eventually be lessened or eliminated. The specifics of this are still up in the air. All to be understood with time. So, have a great day.I dont know about the whys of our meeting, Im not big on grand schemes. Nor do I dismiss it as chance encounter, though that may be what all things are. Does it matter? It doesnt change the fact of what has happened. Anyone who comes into your life for an extended period of time is going to affect you, for better or worse, so I think less that it was fate that us two specifically meeting for a pre-ordained reason for the embetterment of all involved, but more that we're just two people, we met, and happened to hit it off. It doesnt matter to me the intent, or the why, what matters is the effects. What changes because of this. This was good, because I longer carry that needy desperation for romantic or sexual love, to be fulfilled as a girl/woman. To have my childhood desire for a romantic/physical relationship with a guy around my age, the teenage romance, met. Im freed from it. Its the other needs that can now come to attention and eventually be lessened or eliminated. The specifics of this are still up in the air. All to be understood with time.
--- On Tue, 4/21/09, Ray Smith
Well.... Things are different, i have been finding a new way of life. In spirituality, in everything. But i just dont know about you.... I have not the slightest clue about you, who you are or anything. One moment your here next your gone. you go from happy to sad, and you aren't as enlightened as you should be..... I am confused..... I am also trying to figure out why you, it wasn't coincidence, it was our souls and the universe, the all and the mighty. Somehow i get the feeling that we have a part in each others future, but i just dont understand it now..... Oh well.... Maybe you can put in your thoughts about this topic....I also cant help but remember that random old lady, or my dream car, or any of it, it wont go away, and i think it shouldn't and that it doesnt have to. I am trying to avoid anything with you, but my efforts are seeming to be futile, there is more at work, something that wont let me just let this go. In any other case i would have moved on by now, but i dont get it. And it might be that our encounter was one to get me out into the world to meet the new people who have the right lessons for me at this given time.... Well, really got to go now.... Sleep sweat..... That is my favorite expression now.... LOL....
Part of my reply (I actually wrote a lot more):
I dont know about the whys of our meeting, Im not big on grand schemes. Nor do I dismiss it as chance encounter, though that may be what all things are. Does it matter? It doesnt change the fact of what has happened. Anyone who comes into your life for an extended period of time is going to affect you, for better or worse, so I think less that it was fate that us two specifically meeting for a pre-ordained reason for the embetterment of all involved, but more that we're just two people, we met, and happened to hit it off. It doesnt matter to me the intent, or the why, what matters is the effects. What changes because of this. This was good, because I longer carry that needy desperation for romantic or sexual love, to be fulfilled as a girl/woman. To have my childhood desire for a romantic/physical relationship with a guy around my age, the teenage romance, met. Im freed from it. Its the other needs that can now come to attention and eventually be lessened or eliminated. The specifics of this are still up in the air. All to be understood with time. So, have a great day.I dont know about the whys of our meeting, Im not big on grand schemes. Nor do I dismiss it as chance encounter, though that may be what all things are. Does it matter? It doesnt change the fact of what has happened. Anyone who comes into your life for an extended period of time is going to affect you, for better or worse, so I think less that it was fate that us two specifically meeting for a pre-ordained reason for the embetterment of all involved, but more that we're just two people, we met, and happened to hit it off. It doesnt matter to me the intent, or the why, what matters is the effects. What changes because of this. This was good, because I longer carry that needy desperation for romantic or sexual love, to be fulfilled as a girl/woman. To have my childhood desire for a romantic/physical relationship with a guy around my age, the teenage romance, met. Im freed from it. Its the other needs that can now come to attention and eventually be lessened or eliminated. The specifics of this are still up in the air. All to be understood with time.
About Ray
Note: if you were not already aware, all names in these blogs have been changed, or switched, to protect me from being accidently being discovered over the net by any of my relatives. Except for Erik, that is what Im called in real life. I'll change this when Im 18, of course. Because then it wont matter anymore.
Who is Ray? Well, he is my ex-fiance (in my mind, but I havent told him I dont want to be with him because I refuse to break up with anyone through email, I wish he wasnt all the way in Texas, so I could just tell him in person. But I cant act like nothing's changed when I email him, so I think eventually I will have to tell him my feelings towards him have changed, and we cant be in any sort of romantic relationship anymore. Im not going to expect him to want to remain friends, and I can hardly blame him.). I still talk to him through email. We met a month before I moved out to California, and we fell madly in love. What went wrong? Well, I'm either a butch lesbian, a transman, or transgender/genderqueer. Im confused too. The point is that Im not attracted to dudes, so obviously having a male fiance doesnt work for me. A recap for those who are unfamiliar with previous entries.
Ray is a good man. So I want to make sure that its known that he did nothing wrong. That's the point of this.
Who is Ray? Well, he is my ex-fiance (in my mind, but I havent told him I dont want to be with him because I refuse to break up with anyone through email, I wish he wasnt all the way in Texas, so I could just tell him in person. But I cant act like nothing's changed when I email him, so I think eventually I will have to tell him my feelings towards him have changed, and we cant be in any sort of romantic relationship anymore. Im not going to expect him to want to remain friends, and I can hardly blame him.). I still talk to him through email. We met a month before I moved out to California, and we fell madly in love. What went wrong? Well, I'm either a butch lesbian, a transman, or transgender/genderqueer. Im confused too. The point is that Im not attracted to dudes, so obviously having a male fiance doesnt work for me. A recap for those who are unfamiliar with previous entries.
Ray is a good man. So I want to make sure that its known that he did nothing wrong. That's the point of this.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Am I alone in these fustrations?
"I'm sad....please hold me."
Sigh...it seems everyone feels lonely and worthless these days. But blogging actually makes me feel a little better because even if no one reads or comments, I still feel that I'm being listened to, that I get to express myself honestly and without limit. I can express everything and anything! Its the beauty of the internet. I feel like my thoughts and opinions are as important and valid as anyone else's. And when you are under 18, and ruled by adults, which means what you think or want doesnt matter (or so Im treated), or isnt important, this sort of thing means a lot. It's silly I guess....but I sort of feel validated as a person, and my sense of worth goes up a little. It's nice. I wish there were people I knew in person that I could be free to be this open with, or thought I was important enough to have valid opinions. Good night everyone....
Sigh...it seems everyone feels lonely and worthless these days. But blogging actually makes me feel a little better because even if no one reads or comments, I still feel that I'm being listened to, that I get to express myself honestly and without limit. I can express everything and anything! Its the beauty of the internet. I feel like my thoughts and opinions are as important and valid as anyone else's. And when you are under 18, and ruled by adults, which means what you think or want doesnt matter (or so Im treated), or isnt important, this sort of thing means a lot. It's silly I guess....but I sort of feel validated as a person, and my sense of worth goes up a little. It's nice. I wish there were people I knew in person that I could be free to be this open with, or thought I was important enough to have valid opinions. Good night everyone....
Gender Dress Code Drama
Spring Break is over, went back to school today. I was in a dour mood all day, and the last half of yesterday. Because the subject of formal events came up and I'm actually not allowed to go to any unless I wear a dress. It started when Aunt Fifi (we were at the park yesterday, family outing) said that my eldest cousin was going to a wedding for friends of hers and that I could go. I said "Okay, but I have to go buy a tux first." then she said "Uh...youre going to be wearing a dress. Its a wedding, so you need to be presentable." I said "No, I dont wear dresses." She said "Well, I guess its not worth going then." I wanted to go to the wedding, because I've only been to one when I was little and I dont really remember it, and I just wanna see what a wedding is like. And itd be nice to dance with some people too. So, this was jarring after an extremely pleasant day of napping on the grass, and I brought it up with my dad to see what he thought of his sister imposing dressing restrictions on me. He says I need to wear a dress! No support there!
This made me furious. Later in the car prom came up, and I told my Dad, "Hey we need to all get suits." He said "Who's we?" "Well, you and me." (my brother has no need of one yet) "No, you need a dress." What the fuck?! When the hell did I get transported back to the fifties? So I went on to ask why the hell everyone's trying to make me wear dresses all of a sudden.
Then my Dad launches into this speech about making first imppressions and how people judge you on your appearance a=because thats all they have and how if I wear a man's suit instead of a woam's suit and skirt everyone will think Im poor and dont even realize I'm wearing a mans suit (its on purpose! and it also tailored to fit my body) and I dont have the good taste to pick out a woman's suit. And that I have to wear dresses to formal events because I have to present myself properly. And said my school wouldnt let me go to prom in a suit (which isnt true, a friend of mine has done it twice with no complications, they just want you to dress nicely, they dont care pants or skirt, and Im much more formal in day to day dress anyways than most of my peers, so my dad telling me Im not presentable is ridiculous).
Bottom line: If I dont wear a dress, I cant go to prom (or anything else formal), this year or next. My friends are pissed. I'm pissed. Im hoping I can change his mind, or that my psychiatrist (which I think I'll start seeing in May, i hope) can. Parents will listen to doctors, but not thier children. Im used to this. Im not giving in on this one, my friends say to just change when I get there, but I refuse to touch a dress. Its about the principle this time. Usually I'd be more than happy to take the loop hole, and I know it would be easier and that ultimately I'd get my way and my prom- but I have something to prove.
Im so angry, and i hate feeling like this- Dad doesnt understand! Him and Fifi just assume shit about me- and its so fucking stupid! I try to expalin things but they assume something totally off the mark.
Fifi, for some reason, always wants to talk about Ray. Even though she knows Dad has banned me from contacting him. "Have you talked to Ray?" I said "No."
"Its okay, Arielle." She leans towards me, slipping into confidant mode. "You can be honest with me. I'm not gonna tell your Dad."
"No, I havent talked to him. I dont want to talk to him." I'm already annoyed.
She's shocked of course, she raises an eyebrow, as if she doesnt believe I could really mean that.
"That's not very nice to say; why? Wasnt he nice?"
Im thinking, whats nice got to do with it? She hasnt stopped talking, which is why I havent said anything, which is why she assumes stuff, because she doesnt wait for explanations. She continues: "I dont understand. I thought you said you wanted to marry him, isnt that right? I guess he wasnt so great. You know, Arielle, when you find a guy you like you need to make sure that you wanna spend time with him. Its okay, you can tell me when you like a guy, its not always easy...." and on and on.
First, to Ray's credit, and for any ladies out there looking for a man to provide for them: Ray is a nice guy, he is a good man. He has his emotional baggage like the rest of us, and he needs a special lady to keep him motivated and to make him feel loved and valueable.
I say this because everyone I've told that Im done with him, the first thing they say is:
What did he do?
Oh, did he show his true colors?
I thought he was such a nice guy....
Why does everyone assume it was his fault? I'll talk more about him in another post. It's just stupid.
Anyways, my family is trying to get me to conform to female ways, and its driving me crazy. I dont know what to do or if I can do anything, I cant focus on my school work its got me so ticked off (as evidenced by this long blog post -__-). Why are they doing this all of a sudden, they never felt the need to before....is it because I'm being blantant about my non-feminimity with my short hair, and declaration of male attire and past-times? I just feel like Im gonna blow up.
Dad says he loves me, but he doesnt know who I am, and hes rejecting who I am by oppressing my expression of what's natural to me.
I cantwait till Im 18, then I dont have to obey anymore! What cruel laws have made us all slaves to such dominating and self-righteous masters!
This made me furious. Later in the car prom came up, and I told my Dad, "Hey we need to all get suits." He said "Who's we?" "Well, you and me." (my brother has no need of one yet) "No, you need a dress." What the fuck?! When the hell did I get transported back to the fifties? So I went on to ask why the hell everyone's trying to make me wear dresses all of a sudden.
Then my Dad launches into this speech about making first imppressions and how people judge you on your appearance a=because thats all they have and how if I wear a man's suit instead of a woam's suit and skirt everyone will think Im poor and dont even realize I'm wearing a mans suit (its on purpose! and it also tailored to fit my body) and I dont have the good taste to pick out a woman's suit. And that I have to wear dresses to formal events because I have to present myself properly. And said my school wouldnt let me go to prom in a suit (which isnt true, a friend of mine has done it twice with no complications, they just want you to dress nicely, they dont care pants or skirt, and Im much more formal in day to day dress anyways than most of my peers, so my dad telling me Im not presentable is ridiculous).
Bottom line: If I dont wear a dress, I cant go to prom (or anything else formal), this year or next. My friends are pissed. I'm pissed. Im hoping I can change his mind, or that my psychiatrist (which I think I'll start seeing in May, i hope) can. Parents will listen to doctors, but not thier children. Im used to this. Im not giving in on this one, my friends say to just change when I get there, but I refuse to touch a dress. Its about the principle this time. Usually I'd be more than happy to take the loop hole, and I know it would be easier and that ultimately I'd get my way and my prom- but I have something to prove.
Im so angry, and i hate feeling like this- Dad doesnt understand! Him and Fifi just assume shit about me- and its so fucking stupid! I try to expalin things but they assume something totally off the mark.
Fifi, for some reason, always wants to talk about Ray. Even though she knows Dad has banned me from contacting him. "Have you talked to Ray?" I said "No."
"Its okay, Arielle." She leans towards me, slipping into confidant mode. "You can be honest with me. I'm not gonna tell your Dad."
"No, I havent talked to him. I dont want to talk to him." I'm already annoyed.
She's shocked of course, she raises an eyebrow, as if she doesnt believe I could really mean that.
"That's not very nice to say; why? Wasnt he nice?"
Im thinking, whats nice got to do with it? She hasnt stopped talking, which is why I havent said anything, which is why she assumes stuff, because she doesnt wait for explanations. She continues: "I dont understand. I thought you said you wanted to marry him, isnt that right? I guess he wasnt so great. You know, Arielle, when you find a guy you like you need to make sure that you wanna spend time with him. Its okay, you can tell me when you like a guy, its not always easy...." and on and on.
First, to Ray's credit, and for any ladies out there looking for a man to provide for them: Ray is a nice guy, he is a good man. He has his emotional baggage like the rest of us, and he needs a special lady to keep him motivated and to make him feel loved and valueable.
I say this because everyone I've told that Im done with him, the first thing they say is:
What did he do?
Oh, did he show his true colors?
I thought he was such a nice guy....
Why does everyone assume it was his fault? I'll talk more about him in another post. It's just stupid.
Anyways, my family is trying to get me to conform to female ways, and its driving me crazy. I dont know what to do or if I can do anything, I cant focus on my school work its got me so ticked off (as evidenced by this long blog post -__-). Why are they doing this all of a sudden, they never felt the need to before....is it because I'm being blantant about my non-feminimity with my short hair, and declaration of male attire and past-times? I just feel like Im gonna blow up.
Dad says he loves me, but he doesnt know who I am, and hes rejecting who I am by oppressing my expression of what's natural to me.
I cantwait till Im 18, then I dont have to obey anymore! What cruel laws have made us all slaves to such dominating and self-righteous masters!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
The Lady Likes Dyke
This is the fantasy of every lesbian who has ever made the mistake of falling for a straight chick:
http://www.afterellen.com/node/43832
http://www.afterellen.com/node/43832
Friday, April 17, 2009
The Spectrum Comes into Focus
Maybe this really isnt all that confusing. Or I'm becoming used to the ambiguity. I guess it's just letting go the idea that thing are black and white and are either this or that, and those are the only options, and if you dont quite fit in...you just float around, unbelonging. The idea of a scale is man-made, reality is, gender is a spectrum. Like when youre in word document, and youre looking for more color options to get the text just the right color, so you make that hexagon spectrum pop up? Yeah, like that.
I thought I had myself figured out, I thought I was just a guy in a chick's body, simple, right? Not so, when I was dragged to clothes shopping with a friend, and encountered the frilliest, fluffiest pink tutu I'd ever seen. And I thought it was the greatest thing ever. And that I would look dashing in it. My downfall.
But I'm not attracted to men physically or romantically, sooo I'm not gay. Just a crossdresser. The point is my friends think Im crazy. Oh well.
But I was right about one thing- I looked awesome in that tutu! And Doc Martens, of course.
I thought I had myself figured out, I thought I was just a guy in a chick's body, simple, right? Not so, when I was dragged to clothes shopping with a friend, and encountered the frilliest, fluffiest pink tutu I'd ever seen. And I thought it was the greatest thing ever. And that I would look dashing in it. My downfall.
But I'm not attracted to men physically or romantically, sooo I'm not gay. Just a crossdresser. The point is my friends think Im crazy. Oh well.
But I was right about one thing- I looked awesome in that tutu! And Doc Martens, of course.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
My "Coming-Out" Letter, for those who need an example.
Okay, so this is the coming out letter I wrote to my Dad (I was going to have him read it while I was in surgery), but never gave to him, as I realized that I hadnt contemplated on my nature enough and didnt yet understand myself fully, and thus giving this letter would in fact be very foolish. The past few days have only proven me correct. So for those of you who are in the process of writing your own letters may or may not find reading mine helpful in knowing what to include. This is an FTM coming out to Dad letter:
Dear Dad,
There is somethung very important I need to tell you, and I thought a letter would be best for both of us. Honestly, I'm afraid of how you'll react (mostly, I fear you wont take me seriously), and I wanted to give you some time and space to asorb this and think on it before we talk to each other face-to-face. Okay. Here goes nothing.
I'm a boy. Mentally. (Yes, I'm quite aware of my anatomical gender) The technical term is FTM, or "Female-to-Male", so you can look it up on the internet and find out that our situation is hardly unique. You can also read stories from other parents who have also had a daughter turn son. Youre not alone.
I'm only going to say this once: This is NOT a phase. Please dont insult me by trying to tell me I dont know myself. If you'll take a moment to reflect, you'll see that I've always been a boy.
Remember when I quit dance because I hated wearing tights, and refused to wear anything but boy's jeans for years? Grandma and Aunt Melodie made me wear a skirt to church, and I cried the whole time. It just didn't feel right. In middle school up until I moved back to California, I really tried to be a girl. But it made me unhappy, because I found out that I was attracted to women. I was afraid because I didnt know what lesbianism was at that time (though I know now that I'm very straight, I like girls, not guys). Up to then I'd only paid attention to other guys because I envied them (Matt was the most popular guy in school, the guy you presumed I had a crush on because I wrote his name on my leg, but I was too embarrassed to explain that I wanted to be him). I felt generally confused thereafter. I had lots of male friends, but because I was physically female and had begun to dress and act like it, they were only interesting in getting me to like them, and my friendship selection was limited to out-cast-ish girls, who were as fustrated as I was, though always for different reasons. Ray (that guy from Texas), was part of trying to be a girl, I only liked him for discussing history and politics and stuff. He was my only boyfriend because he was smart and confident. But I quickly realized that this sort of relationship didnt really suit me. SO I pretty happy to leave Texas. And I was hardly upset you banned me from talking to him, because by that time he was annoying me. He treated me like a girl (though he can hardly blamed for this), he wanted a wife and a family, and living that life horrified me, though then I didn't know why. I just really hated the idea, it felt like settling for less somehow. You never have to worry about me getting pregnant, nothing could be farther from what I want, and nothing could disgust me more (except the idea of being on the female end of sex, sorry Dad, but I'm old enough to talkabout it. So that's why I freaked out when you asked me if I was pregnant- I wouldn't have sex with a man for all the money in the world! Disgusting.). Though, when I'm older, say 30+ with lots of money, I'll adopt a handful of kids (I mean, why make more when you can make a few unwanted children happy?). It would be nice. I'll probably never marry (unless its pratical, as I view it as a business arrangement), as I dont want some other person, man, woman, whatever, having any part in raising my children. Er, I digressed there, but I feel strongly about this. I hate meddlers.
So, I've always been a boy. But I only realized it when I was in the hospital for appendicitis. I had a lot of time to think, and I couldn't distract myself from the truth. There was no "Ah-hah!" moment. It was a slow process that began in the hospital and continues still, of understanding who I am and what I want. Really, when you get down to it, the reason Ray's vision repulsed me (besides the obvious) is that I'm far too ambitious for such common wants. Love has never interested me, so your preoccupation (and your sister's) of bugging me about it is endlessly exasperating. I want money and power. I want my name to go down through history. As a child, I used to tell anyone who'd ask what I wanted to do that I wanted to rule the world. You may balk at this, saying you've known me to be lazy, indecisive, and noncommital. Every child lives a double-life: home life, and the face they show to the world, which is often their true one. So it is with me. When I want to do something I can be pursistant to the point of stubborness. You and Aunt Fifi only convince me to further inaction by nagging me to do what I never wanted to do in the first place. If it must be done, I'll do it in my own time, even if it's the last moment (this caused Gabriel endless fustration). Bugging errodes my motivation. Dont worry about me. I have enough ambition and perserverance for 300 of my peers (or I'm more driven than all the kids in my school put together). I have an appointment with the school counselor totalk about my future on the 22nd. I like the idea of producer or publisher, but politics has always been a fasination of mine, for years, really. Dont worry! I'll help children and animals, thats the nice thing about money and power, it frees you to help others. I've digressed again, but we talk so little (indeed, I've never really talked to anyone, no one has ever played my confidant) that besides this, there are so many other things for me to tell...so be it?
Another thing that is endlessly exaspertatingis Aunt Fifi. Now that you know the truth about me, I think you can better appreciate my fustrations with her. I love her, as she is my Aunt, but her persistant efforts over my whole life (which have increased with my haircut) are maddening.She has always told me to "act like a lady". Ever since I've returned to CA, she has been giving advice on make-up, hair, and other femmey stuff. Gag. She pesters me to wear a "proper" bra, which shouts to the whole world "look-breasts!!!" and says i shouldnt wear sports bras (which I wear all of the time, because they give the illusion of a flat chest, which I find to be decidedly manlier). Remember when I asked you if we could buy more? Because the ones I have are too big, but they work alright. Didnt you wonder at me throwing out all of my dresses and heels? At my sudden want to cut my hair off (which was spurred by the discovery that I look like a boy with out my long hair)? I wore a bra at the insistance of my Aunt, because I didnt feel I could explain why I didnt want to wear it, and I felt disgusting! I hid my chest all day, it looked and felt so unnatural. I knew then that I couldnt keep up the charade, not if I had to feel like that all the time. That was the exact day I decided that I really wanted to cut my hair. Also, long hair has always represented sadness to me and I didnt want the burden. Ever since then, I admit that I'm a tad reluctant to spend time with her at all,and I went the last time because I wanted to see my friend, Christine, that badly. Because I knew no on else would be there. She knows about me, though, as does most of the school, to varying degrees. Most think I'm a butch lesbian, which isnt true, I'm an FtM (though its easy to get confused about the distinction, gender is a very confusing thing!). Everyone likes to go along with it, and they all call me Erik. I made that name tag, not my friends, but that day I wasnt ready to explain why I woud have myself called Erik. It's just a name I like. Simple. Masculine.
I need your support, for these things, and many other reasons. We need to be more open. Things cant remain the way they've been, its not good for either of us. Things are wrong, and we need to talk. Stagnation leads to disease. I'm afraid to give this to you, because I've revealed a lot in it, but you need to know these things. I ask that you dont tease me about things I reveal to you, because I'm of the disposition to respond poorly to light-hearted jabbing, just show better taste in what you moack me about. And also everytime you do, I'm inclinedto talk less and less. It's hard for me to talk to you, because of the "Youre wrong, I'm right" stigma that you, as a parent and adult, carry (or it could be an aftereffect, an attitude I've carried over from the Gabriel years). I feel that I'm never taken seriously. That I'm "just a kid", or worse, "just a girl". It hurts to be taken so lightly, or to be dismissed as "just going through a phase".
I need your help, because youre older. If people wont listen to me they'll listen to you. I need help in deciding who in our family will have a religious fit if they find out about me, and thus who I need to not tell. Who, among your/our friends can know, so I know how to respond around them (such as not becoming offended if they refer to me as "her" or "she"). And I need your voice if certain school staff protest my gender expression. But they're pretty accepting. I'm not going to attempt to get you to call me Erik, rather than the name you gave me. Oh well, right? So you know, in the future, I plan on legally changing my name and gender. I've researched this, and most states require medical certification and at least one surgery (such as breast removal, or "top" surgery). It is in no way an easy process, but its better than being called "Miss". I really hate that, as silly as that may seem. So, yes, I want to bring myself physically closer to being congruent with my mental gender. I wish I could go without, but I think that it'll be worth the trouble. Further motivation to do well in college, eh?
We can talk about Female to Male transitioning details later though...that's not a huge concern right now, though I admit that testosterone hormones would be nice because it'd get rid of my delicate woman's voice (it really is my bane). I cant imagine how weird this must be for you. If you need ti "mourn your daughter's death", I understand. When youre done, we can hit the gym :) Or the golf course, seriously, my swing sucks. I'd rather not look like a complete idiot on the team. And think, you wont have to buy girly-anything ever again (testosterone ends the period, so no more fem-products). So I guess I've dumped a lot on your head. Just dont have a heart attack, k? I'd like to see youre with me when I wake-up. It's a boy! :P
Love ya Dad,
Erik-uh, um,er-Arielle!
Most coming-out letters will be pretty long, but if yours isnt, that's okay too. Just remember to be empathetic, but confident in your letter. I hope your coming-out is a happy one!
I never gave this letter, but I dont regret writing it, it was a good way to express myself and how I felt at that moment. I felt much better just doing it. So if you're feeling stressed, you cant write the letter,and never let anyone see it if you dont want to.
Now, some commentary for this letter...I lied a lot in it, intentionally. Especially about men and Ray. I'm not a virgin, I had sex with Ray (he unfortunately was a young and inexperianced lover- but at least he was passionate), but obviously I'm not going to tell Dad that. And its easier to convince someone that your serious when you say youre a man if you make it out like you've never liked guys. And that you never had female tendencies. Which of course I did, being socially conditioned and raised as a girl- what do you expect? I didnt give him the letter also because I knew he would think me as frivolous as ever, always changing my mind. But I just am learning about me. And I know now he would've called bullshit on me "always having been a boy", because it implies I had no choice, that I was born that way. And both of us know that no one is born ANYTHING. We are products of our enviroments and our decisions. Anywho, hope this helped, if you need further help in composing a tough letter, I'll help! Have a nice day.
Dear Dad,
There is somethung very important I need to tell you, and I thought a letter would be best for both of us. Honestly, I'm afraid of how you'll react (mostly, I fear you wont take me seriously), and I wanted to give you some time and space to asorb this and think on it before we talk to each other face-to-face. Okay. Here goes nothing.
I'm a boy. Mentally. (Yes, I'm quite aware of my anatomical gender) The technical term is FTM, or "Female-to-Male", so you can look it up on the internet and find out that our situation is hardly unique. You can also read stories from other parents who have also had a daughter turn son. Youre not alone.
I'm only going to say this once: This is NOT a phase. Please dont insult me by trying to tell me I dont know myself. If you'll take a moment to reflect, you'll see that I've always been a boy.
Remember when I quit dance because I hated wearing tights, and refused to wear anything but boy's jeans for years? Grandma and Aunt Melodie made me wear a skirt to church, and I cried the whole time. It just didn't feel right. In middle school up until I moved back to California, I really tried to be a girl. But it made me unhappy, because I found out that I was attracted to women. I was afraid because I didnt know what lesbianism was at that time (though I know now that I'm very straight, I like girls, not guys). Up to then I'd only paid attention to other guys because I envied them (Matt was the most popular guy in school, the guy you presumed I had a crush on because I wrote his name on my leg, but I was too embarrassed to explain that I wanted to be him). I felt generally confused thereafter. I had lots of male friends, but because I was physically female and had begun to dress and act like it, they were only interesting in getting me to like them, and my friendship selection was limited to out-cast-ish girls, who were as fustrated as I was, though always for different reasons. Ray (that guy from Texas), was part of trying to be a girl, I only liked him for discussing history and politics and stuff. He was my only boyfriend because he was smart and confident. But I quickly realized that this sort of relationship didnt really suit me. SO I pretty happy to leave Texas. And I was hardly upset you banned me from talking to him, because by that time he was annoying me. He treated me like a girl (though he can hardly blamed for this), he wanted a wife and a family, and living that life horrified me, though then I didn't know why. I just really hated the idea, it felt like settling for less somehow. You never have to worry about me getting pregnant, nothing could be farther from what I want, and nothing could disgust me more (except the idea of being on the female end of sex, sorry Dad, but I'm old enough to talkabout it. So that's why I freaked out when you asked me if I was pregnant- I wouldn't have sex with a man for all the money in the world! Disgusting.). Though, when I'm older, say 30+ with lots of money, I'll adopt a handful of kids (I mean, why make more when you can make a few unwanted children happy?). It would be nice. I'll probably never marry (unless its pratical, as I view it as a business arrangement), as I dont want some other person, man, woman, whatever, having any part in raising my children. Er, I digressed there, but I feel strongly about this. I hate meddlers.
So, I've always been a boy. But I only realized it when I was in the hospital for appendicitis. I had a lot of time to think, and I couldn't distract myself from the truth. There was no "Ah-hah!" moment. It was a slow process that began in the hospital and continues still, of understanding who I am and what I want. Really, when you get down to it, the reason Ray's vision repulsed me (besides the obvious) is that I'm far too ambitious for such common wants. Love has never interested me, so your preoccupation (and your sister's) of bugging me about it is endlessly exasperating. I want money and power. I want my name to go down through history. As a child, I used to tell anyone who'd ask what I wanted to do that I wanted to rule the world. You may balk at this, saying you've known me to be lazy, indecisive, and noncommital. Every child lives a double-life: home life, and the face they show to the world, which is often their true one. So it is with me. When I want to do something I can be pursistant to the point of stubborness. You and Aunt Fifi only convince me to further inaction by nagging me to do what I never wanted to do in the first place. If it must be done, I'll do it in my own time, even if it's the last moment (this caused Gabriel endless fustration). Bugging errodes my motivation. Dont worry about me. I have enough ambition and perserverance for 300 of my peers (or I'm more driven than all the kids in my school put together). I have an appointment with the school counselor totalk about my future on the 22nd. I like the idea of producer or publisher, but politics has always been a fasination of mine, for years, really. Dont worry! I'll help children and animals, thats the nice thing about money and power, it frees you to help others. I've digressed again, but we talk so little (indeed, I've never really talked to anyone, no one has ever played my confidant) that besides this, there are so many other things for me to tell...so be it?
Another thing that is endlessly exaspertatingis Aunt Fifi. Now that you know the truth about me, I think you can better appreciate my fustrations with her. I love her, as she is my Aunt, but her persistant efforts over my whole life (which have increased with my haircut) are maddening.She has always told me to "act like a lady". Ever since I've returned to CA, she has been giving advice on make-up, hair, and other femmey stuff. Gag. She pesters me to wear a "proper" bra, which shouts to the whole world "look-breasts!!!" and says i shouldnt wear sports bras (which I wear all of the time, because they give the illusion of a flat chest, which I find to be decidedly manlier). Remember when I asked you if we could buy more? Because the ones I have are too big, but they work alright. Didnt you wonder at me throwing out all of my dresses and heels? At my sudden want to cut my hair off (which was spurred by the discovery that I look like a boy with out my long hair)? I wore a bra at the insistance of my Aunt, because I didnt feel I could explain why I didnt want to wear it, and I felt disgusting! I hid my chest all day, it looked and felt so unnatural. I knew then that I couldnt keep up the charade, not if I had to feel like that all the time. That was the exact day I decided that I really wanted to cut my hair. Also, long hair has always represented sadness to me and I didnt want the burden. Ever since then, I admit that I'm a tad reluctant to spend time with her at all,and I went the last time because I wanted to see my friend, Christine, that badly. Because I knew no on else would be there. She knows about me, though, as does most of the school, to varying degrees. Most think I'm a butch lesbian, which isnt true, I'm an FtM (though its easy to get confused about the distinction, gender is a very confusing thing!). Everyone likes to go along with it, and they all call me Erik. I made that name tag, not my friends, but that day I wasnt ready to explain why I woud have myself called Erik. It's just a name I like. Simple. Masculine.
I need your support, for these things, and many other reasons. We need to be more open. Things cant remain the way they've been, its not good for either of us. Things are wrong, and we need to talk. Stagnation leads to disease. I'm afraid to give this to you, because I've revealed a lot in it, but you need to know these things. I ask that you dont tease me about things I reveal to you, because I'm of the disposition to respond poorly to light-hearted jabbing, just show better taste in what you moack me about. And also everytime you do, I'm inclinedto talk less and less. It's hard for me to talk to you, because of the "Youre wrong, I'm right" stigma that you, as a parent and adult, carry (or it could be an aftereffect, an attitude I've carried over from the Gabriel years). I feel that I'm never taken seriously. That I'm "just a kid", or worse, "just a girl". It hurts to be taken so lightly, or to be dismissed as "just going through a phase".
I need your help, because youre older. If people wont listen to me they'll listen to you. I need help in deciding who in our family will have a religious fit if they find out about me, and thus who I need to not tell. Who, among your/our friends can know, so I know how to respond around them (such as not becoming offended if they refer to me as "her" or "she"). And I need your voice if certain school staff protest my gender expression. But they're pretty accepting. I'm not going to attempt to get you to call me Erik, rather than the name you gave me. Oh well, right? So you know, in the future, I plan on legally changing my name and gender. I've researched this, and most states require medical certification and at least one surgery (such as breast removal, or "top" surgery). It is in no way an easy process, but its better than being called "Miss". I really hate that, as silly as that may seem. So, yes, I want to bring myself physically closer to being congruent with my mental gender. I wish I could go without, but I think that it'll be worth the trouble. Further motivation to do well in college, eh?
We can talk about Female to Male transitioning details later though...that's not a huge concern right now, though I admit that testosterone hormones would be nice because it'd get rid of my delicate woman's voice (it really is my bane). I cant imagine how weird this must be for you. If you need ti "mourn your daughter's death", I understand. When youre done, we can hit the gym :) Or the golf course, seriously, my swing sucks. I'd rather not look like a complete idiot on the team. And think, you wont have to buy girly-anything ever again (testosterone ends the period, so no more fem-products). So I guess I've dumped a lot on your head. Just dont have a heart attack, k? I'd like to see youre with me when I wake-up. It's a boy! :P
Love ya Dad,
Erik-uh, um,er-Arielle!
Most coming-out letters will be pretty long, but if yours isnt, that's okay too. Just remember to be empathetic, but confident in your letter. I hope your coming-out is a happy one!
I never gave this letter, but I dont regret writing it, it was a good way to express myself and how I felt at that moment. I felt much better just doing it. So if you're feeling stressed, you cant write the letter,and never let anyone see it if you dont want to.
Now, some commentary for this letter...I lied a lot in it, intentionally. Especially about men and Ray. I'm not a virgin, I had sex with Ray (he unfortunately was a young and inexperianced lover- but at least he was passionate), but obviously I'm not going to tell Dad that. And its easier to convince someone that your serious when you say youre a man if you make it out like you've never liked guys. And that you never had female tendencies. Which of course I did, being socially conditioned and raised as a girl- what do you expect? I didnt give him the letter also because I knew he would think me as frivolous as ever, always changing my mind. But I just am learning about me. And I know now he would've called bullshit on me "always having been a boy", because it implies I had no choice, that I was born that way. And both of us know that no one is born ANYTHING. We are products of our enviroments and our decisions. Anywho, hope this helped, if you need further help in composing a tough letter, I'll help! Have a nice day.
She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not?
Her name isn't really Christine, just like my name isn't really Erik. But who cares! A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet. I've talked to her all spring break, and she's been worried about me, because of my surgery, and my father. She's the one out of all my friends I like to confide to (Though Karina is about level, but I dont count her as she isnt part of my daily life, and Meg makes a distant second...I have a lot of female friends....) and she talks to me the most, ever since she's known me (which has been since January this year), because I treat her as an equal, in spite of her being a year younger (she got to skip 8th grade). When everyone else she knows loves to bring it up that she's the "baby" of the class. The irony is that she's also the smartest in the class. She just is teased a lot, and though none of it is mean-spirited and friendly taunting, it gets to her. I know that would drive me positively mad. There is nothing I dislike more than having people think they know you inside and out. Her reputation at school is unfortunately that of a quiet, studious, goody-two-shoes. But I never thought that, it was obvious that she was creative and artsy from the way she dressed right down to the way she did her hair...though I would've guessed she was a painter, rather than a dancer/actress. But she is, and she's quite talented at dancing (I haven't seen her act). She wants to prove to everyone she isnt who they think she is and to show how shallow their opinions are.
Naturally, I'm interesting because she doesn't know me like everyone else, whom she's known since freshmen year/middle school. And because of my other eccentricities. Not that I could tell you what they are because to myself I'm normal because I know my reasons for all I do. I was explaining to her over the phone why I didn't give my Dad the coming out letter, and I told her my down-fall was seeing the most awesome, flouncy pink tutu - and realizing I wanted to wear it. She laughed at that. She finds it charming that I don't fit into a specific gender role. I laughed at her laughing at me and saying "I don't know how you deal with the boredom of being straight". Which was a sort of ironic comment, because what I meant by it was "How lucky of you to possess sanity!" And she knew it, I think. But then she says, "Well, I don't know about that, I think I'm going to base my relationships on personality than orientation." I was thinking "WAIT, what do you mean by THAT?!" Instead I mumbled inanely about I don't remember what. To me that was the most important part of the conversation. Don't you agree?
Afterward I wondered what in the world brought on this change of mind. Then of course I reflected on all of my memories. Does she like me? I want to believe I inadvertently brought this change of heart. Can you blame me for hoping? I hope I'm not just seeing what I want to. I always thought she smiled at me differently. Maybe its not my imagination that she stares a me a lot. Though that could always be because I cut off my waist length hair to a boy-short, British 80s beat band hair-do (that's how my Dad describes it), the point is, Now I look like a boy. Karina says I look like someone shook me out of a Japanese manga. I look like an anime guy, my body proportions (I have long legs), my face, hair, my clothes, even my behavior. Its creepy in a really cool way. So I guess that's how you attract straight girls, my lesbian friends, look more like the thing they are already attracted to. But, there's also the way she smiles at me.
To help me try to gain a more objective view of her possible feelings, I've contrasted the way she treats me from the way other (straight and not interested in me, and those that were) girls treated me, and how she behaves around other females, namely our mutual friend, Meg (who is openly attracted to women,and is currently with a guy, and she says after him, she's sticking to chicks). And of course how the other females in the school behave around me. And also girls outside of school, friends and strangers.
The results so far: She smiles at me the way girls who mistake me for a man smile at me, and stares the same way. She doesn't act around Meg the same way. Even though Christine served as Meg's date (since neither of them could find someone else), she treats her as a friend. Christine's phone wallpaper used to be a picture I sent to her of the characters Lady Oscar and Marie-Antoinette from The Rose of Versailles (when I asked to show me her wallpaper, she was embarrassed about it, so that's how I know), and then when I brought her a flower for her dance showcase, she took a picture of that and set that as her wallpaper. Her laptop wallpaper is a photo of me before I cut my hair, wearing my aviator sunglasses, a silver lady liberty hat, and holding a giant stuffed hot dog in place of the torch and posing loftily. A very funny picture, the best we took that particular day (it was a trip to the boardwalk). Drawings I've given her and photos of us decorate the outer see-through pockets of her binder. Sigh. When I went to her house,she showed me her violin, and I said "Oh, tiger." You should've seen the look on her face when she said "Yeah...you remembered!" Of course I did. She calls her violin Tiger because of the markings on the back. Ah, but I dont know! So what if she does like me? What then?
I'd like to take her to prom this year. It'd be...almost magical. She in all of her loveliness, long hair, flowing dress. The moon and the sea. I'd love it! I'd need to buy a tux and tails first though...
She said she doesnt like to be courted unless she is already enamoured with that person. Which is one of the minor reasons I havent tried anything. In the miraculous event that we ever got together, we'd have to keep it away from our parents. Hers, so I could continue to spend the night there and sleep in her bed (unless, oddly enough, they're okay with this). And mine, namely my father, who doesnt think that I should be forming any emotional bonds with anyone (and honestly I believe he is absolutely right, but...I'm doing it anyways, oh, youth's folly!) at this point in my life. But he's a whole other post.
She loves me? She loves me not?
God, I miss her, I want break to be over! I want to hold her. Am I only seeing what I want to? We'll see, wont we? We'll see if Christine loves Erik...
Naturally, I'm interesting because she doesn't know me like everyone else, whom she's known since freshmen year/middle school. And because of my other eccentricities. Not that I could tell you what they are because to myself I'm normal because I know my reasons for all I do. I was explaining to her over the phone why I didn't give my Dad the coming out letter, and I told her my down-fall was seeing the most awesome, flouncy pink tutu - and realizing I wanted to wear it. She laughed at that. She finds it charming that I don't fit into a specific gender role. I laughed at her laughing at me and saying "I don't know how you deal with the boredom of being straight". Which was a sort of ironic comment, because what I meant by it was "How lucky of you to possess sanity!" And she knew it, I think. But then she says, "Well, I don't know about that, I think I'm going to base my relationships on personality than orientation." I was thinking "WAIT, what do you mean by THAT?!" Instead I mumbled inanely about I don't remember what. To me that was the most important part of the conversation. Don't you agree?
Afterward I wondered what in the world brought on this change of mind. Then of course I reflected on all of my memories. Does she like me? I want to believe I inadvertently brought this change of heart. Can you blame me for hoping? I hope I'm not just seeing what I want to. I always thought she smiled at me differently. Maybe its not my imagination that she stares a me a lot. Though that could always be because I cut off my waist length hair to a boy-short, British 80s beat band hair-do (that's how my Dad describes it), the point is, Now I look like a boy. Karina says I look like someone shook me out of a Japanese manga. I look like an anime guy, my body proportions (I have long legs), my face, hair, my clothes, even my behavior. Its creepy in a really cool way. So I guess that's how you attract straight girls, my lesbian friends, look more like the thing they are already attracted to. But, there's also the way she smiles at me.
To help me try to gain a more objective view of her possible feelings, I've contrasted the way she treats me from the way other (straight and not interested in me, and those that were) girls treated me, and how she behaves around other females, namely our mutual friend, Meg (who is openly attracted to women,and is currently with a guy, and she says after him, she's sticking to chicks). And of course how the other females in the school behave around me. And also girls outside of school, friends and strangers.
The results so far: She smiles at me the way girls who mistake me for a man smile at me, and stares the same way. She doesn't act around Meg the same way. Even though Christine served as Meg's date (since neither of them could find someone else), she treats her as a friend. Christine's phone wallpaper used to be a picture I sent to her of the characters Lady Oscar and Marie-Antoinette from The Rose of Versailles (when I asked to show me her wallpaper, she was embarrassed about it, so that's how I know), and then when I brought her a flower for her dance showcase, she took a picture of that and set that as her wallpaper. Her laptop wallpaper is a photo of me before I cut my hair, wearing my aviator sunglasses, a silver lady liberty hat, and holding a giant stuffed hot dog in place of the torch and posing loftily. A very funny picture, the best we took that particular day (it was a trip to the boardwalk). Drawings I've given her and photos of us decorate the outer see-through pockets of her binder. Sigh. When I went to her house,she showed me her violin, and I said "Oh, tiger." You should've seen the look on her face when she said "Yeah...you remembered!" Of course I did. She calls her violin Tiger because of the markings on the back. Ah, but I dont know! So what if she does like me? What then?
I'd like to take her to prom this year. It'd be...almost magical. She in all of her loveliness, long hair, flowing dress. The moon and the sea. I'd love it! I'd need to buy a tux and tails first though...
She said she doesnt like to be courted unless she is already enamoured with that person. Which is one of the minor reasons I havent tried anything. In the miraculous event that we ever got together, we'd have to keep it away from our parents. Hers, so I could continue to spend the night there and sleep in her bed (unless, oddly enough, they're okay with this). And mine, namely my father, who doesnt think that I should be forming any emotional bonds with anyone (and honestly I believe he is absolutely right, but...I'm doing it anyways, oh, youth's folly!) at this point in my life. But he's a whole other post.
She loves me? She loves me not?
God, I miss her, I want break to be over! I want to hold her. Am I only seeing what I want to? We'll see, wont we? We'll see if Christine loves Erik...
Gender Confusion, Post-Surgery.
YAWN. I'm sleepy. Okay, so yesterday I had my surgery to remove my appendix, and I'm alright now, on pain meds. I'll be back at school on Monday hopefully.
I was planning on giving my Dad a coming-out letter yesterday that he could read while I was under, but the day before I realized I wasn't sure enough of myself to be declaring anything for certain in a letter. Also, it felt cowardly, because it called for certain female relatives of mine to lay off. I just need to man-up and tell them to mind their own goddamn business.
Lately I've been feeling redonkulously gender confused. For those who dont know, I am 100% biologically female, but my gender identity is male, but my gender-expression is all over the place, I'm not physically attracted to anything, but I'm romantically attracted to women. So it stands. My name, or what I'm called at school, is Erik. Erik Kaleido. So I guess this is why I started this particular blog. Also to help anyone else who feels as confused as I do, or for those who simply are curious and want to know about those who are not "normal", which I suppose would mean anyone who isn't straight. I think I'll post my coming out letter up here, for those who need help on what a coming out letter should include.
Now for some quotes:
"I shall seize Fate by the throat; it shall certainly not bend and crush me completely." - Beethoven
"He had a heart that could have held the empire of the world; and, in the end, he had to content himself with a cellar." - Gaston Leruox, The Phantom Of The Opera
"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds." - Einstein
"We're All Mad Here" - Lewis Carol
"Oh friends, not these notes! Rather let us sing more cheerful and more joyful ones!" - Beethoven, again.
I was planning on giving my Dad a coming-out letter yesterday that he could read while I was under, but the day before I realized I wasn't sure enough of myself to be declaring anything for certain in a letter. Also, it felt cowardly, because it called for certain female relatives of mine to lay off. I just need to man-up and tell them to mind their own goddamn business.
Lately I've been feeling redonkulously gender confused. For those who dont know, I am 100% biologically female, but my gender identity is male, but my gender-expression is all over the place, I'm not physically attracted to anything, but I'm romantically attracted to women. So it stands. My name, or what I'm called at school, is Erik. Erik Kaleido. So I guess this is why I started this particular blog. Also to help anyone else who feels as confused as I do, or for those who simply are curious and want to know about those who are not "normal", which I suppose would mean anyone who isn't straight. I think I'll post my coming out letter up here, for those who need help on what a coming out letter should include.
Now for some quotes:
"I shall seize Fate by the throat; it shall certainly not bend and crush me completely." - Beethoven
"He had a heart that could have held the empire of the world; and, in the end, he had to content himself with a cellar." - Gaston Leruox, The Phantom Of The Opera
"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds." - Einstein
"We're All Mad Here" - Lewis Carol
"Oh friends, not these notes! Rather let us sing more cheerful and more joyful ones!" - Beethoven, again.
She dances like the wind...
I went to watch a good friend of mine dance...and she danced like the wind. Something amazing happened when she was on stage. And afterward I hurried backstage, and she flew into my arms. I realized with upsetting suddenness that I'd been waiting to hold her in my arms all day. I felt awkward (in that stupid happy way) until my Aunt (the same from the previous post) dragged me away. My friend, Christine, is spending all of easter break in Colorado. I'm going to miss her. I could try to deny it, for convieniance, but, why? Just because she's straight? All I have to do is make sure she never knows, or if she finds out, to not let it affect us in any way. It felt so good to hold her!
Born Someone I'm Not
"People dont change, they only become more like themselves." I dont know if I agree with this as an absolute, but for the majority of people this is true. What do you think? But someone can become someone else entirely in five years. Maybe I've been thinking about this because of all of my personality conflict. Trying to define what I am. It's easier to define what someone isn't, but then you're never really sure. How complex people are! You can live with one your whole life long and still never fully understand them, even if they told you their every thought and emotion. But what frustrates me is when everyone treats you like you were in the past, but your different now, yet they treat you the same way.What is it you want in life? Most people will answer happiness or love. I dont care for these things. What I want is glory (a fancy word for a more substantial form of fame). Power. Money. Immortality (http://www.imminst.org/), this particular want may make you think of me as a dreamer lost in fantasy, but its a dreamer's vision that has brought everything. And lastly? to save the animals and children. The stories I know from across the world keep me up at night, which is rather an inconvienience. I'd like to sleep soundly again, like when...jeez- I never have slept well! *shudders* I had a reason to fear the darkness! Monsters in the form of faces a child should be able to trust hid there. I guess that means I also long for forgetfulness- but I'm far from being alone in that wish. C'est la vie. C'est la vie.Everyone is blinded by their own thoughts, wants, concerns- me too. Why do I feel so angry all the time? My life is good, there is nothing wrong, there is only my memories to torment me. And these feelings that are so new, this intense horror and humiliation. Feeling wrong all the time, askew. Trapped by everyone else, and their expectations! This is why I hate having a family, though they are wonderful and loving- why is it that I have what everyone wants and searches forever for- yet I dont want any of it? Why are these "blessings" wasted upon me? Let me elaborate- Never been diseased, never starved, never been homeless, I have a large, loving family, delightful in all its facets, popular and well-regarded at school, friends that bring enjoyment in accompanyment, and I myself, physically. Thin, tall (for a girl), long wavy blonde hair (which adults swear many spend hundreds of dollars trying to recreate on their own heads what occurs on mine naturally), pretty (or so I've so often been told). And had someone who loved her for her own sake and...had I not changed, would have married, and had her own family, home, and happiness.This image, of the common person's vision of happiness, makes me want to scream. What about those who long for love and family and a nice appearance, who focus on it daily- why do I have these things? I dont want them! I hate being restrained by filial obligations, and by the affections of another, I hate my looks, I hate being a woman! I hate it so much! I wish I was never born, rather than trapped in this female body, its a cruel joke and a curse. But if there is a god who intended this, he is most clever because he knew I would never choose to end myself. Only cowards resort to suicide. So you know why I really left R-anonymous (ex-fiance), the thought of him touching me made my skin crawl, or any male. Or them looking at me with love or lust in their eyes (frankly I cant say which repulses me more). Today my Dad is taking me to cut my hair.....How do I know for sure that I feel this way? I'd been wearing men's clothing and a sports bra (y'know, so I could have a flat chest) since I moved out, exclusively. Then I go to my Aunt's house and she and I were going out to dinner with friends of hers for one of them's birthday. She has been telling me ever since I was a little girl to act more like a lady, so she drags out a "proper" bra, dress, and heels and says, put 'um on! I protested for five minutes, but then standing in the bathroom, with the door locked, she asked to know why I didnt want to wear it, I'd already told her I didn't feel like it, and then I realized what was really wrong and that it was impossible to tell her...I got into those clothes quickly and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked wonderful, but I felt disgusting. I cried until she called me to ask what was taking so long. The rest of the evening I avoided anything reflective, but failed to ignore the stares and compliments. And I had to be polite and say "Thank you" I wanted to tear off the dress, and choke that stupid ogling waiter with it. I looked down atr my again femalized chest in revolted confusion, like "youre not supposed to be there". You may laugh at this, but what if you (men) were forced to wear a dress and heels and have breasts and be stared at by women who hated you and men who wanted to fuck you. And all the while be told "how lovely you are" and have to respond smiling "Thank you"!I'm sick of this!*sighs*I feel better now.I didn't expect this to turn into a rant, but this has been bothering me for the past month and I suppose its easier to confide to strangers (or empty space), than to one's friends. Is that wrong?
Marriage: violation of separation of Church and State?
For the past few weeks we've been reading Pride and Prejudice in English, the theme for this time being, obviously, marriage. We were having our regular class discussion and one of my classmates brought up the legal aspects of marriage, and another digressed farther by bringing up the sort-of recent overturning of gay-marriage in California. The rest of the class heartily engaged in the following argument of whether this act was wrong, and whether gay-marriage itself was right. I didn't participate, for the argument was long-exhausted and ridiculous to me. No one brought up the idea of whether marriage itself was right, as a legal institution, as I might assume that's what the LGBT community is fighting for- the legal benefits that their romantic interests indirectly exclude them from. I say indirectly because they're allowed to marry...just someone of the opposite gender. Not even a straight person is allowed to marry within gender. I just thought to myself that marriage is technically a business agreement, a legally binding contract between two people, but then there is the religious foundation. You, from my understanding, are bound to this other person spiritually in the eyes of "God", until death do you part (well, uh, theoretically, anyway). And most, if not all of the resistance to gay marriage came from the religious (about that phrase in the bible saying marriage is between chicks and dudes...well, the bible says A LOT of things, just pick out what works for you and ignore the rest), and this religious animosity, if I may call it that, was great enough to interfere with state affairs; namely the passing/overturning/creating/granting of the legal benefits/rights to those who don't want to be restricted to only the opposite gender, and wished to be legally bound to their same-gender darling. This is Church interfering with State affairs. Indirectly of course. I wonder if it a small part of the resistance was trying to stop the same gender couples as being on par with the "normal" couples.To be a couple like heterosexuals are couples. But that's not really not what I'm getting at. Marriage is alright, and anyone who wants to do because they think it'll make them happier, then great! Personally its something I'm not and never will be interested in. But Marriage should not be a legal institution. It is deeply entrenched in religious tradition and sentiment, it is a part of the church, and so should not also be a part of the state. And besides, why is the government involved in this area of our personal lives? What reason could it have to need to set laws and restrictions and this traditional form of romantic fulfillment? Why would anyone want the government and ugly legalities bound up in their most personal of relationships? It should not be a legal institution not only because the church has no place in the state- but the state has no place in the church! Marriage is wonderful as a religious institution, when you think of it as being spiritually bound to the one you love in the faith you hold equally dear. Having the government control who can and cannot be joining in holy matrimony has only brought about unnecessary grief and fustration for everyone, no matter what side they were on. We have a laisse-faire economy, wouldn't it be equally useful to apply the principle of "let the people do as they will" for our romantic and personal lives? Say to the state: butt out!
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