Today.
Meg and Christine have noticed I'm not doing too hot. I just told them I'm sad, but i dont want to talk about it right now. Its also what I've been telling my Dad. I want to talk to my friends about what's up, I just say I dont want to because there is literally not enough time for me to properly explain everything. I dont want to rush because there is only so many minutes before the bells ring. And also, I would like to be someplace private, like at home, or at Christine's house, and not at school where everyone will hear you and butt in on your conversation. No thanks. So, it has nothing to do with me trying to get them to wrest the problem out of me- I dont do that. But I wont get time for deeper conversations for a while. C'est la vie. I want to go to Christine's house this weekend, but she's rehearsing for her recital, and Meg cant go to her house because she's grounded (her mom found sexual texts from a guy on her phone- whoops!)....and I dont want to burden Christine with my negativity and effect her performance (this sounds sort of concieted to think that I could affect her performance that way, but I'd rather not have her thinking about me, when she needs to focus on her dancing. If Meg was there, well, it seems Meg and Christine together handle things better.
Even so, Im glad we're friends.
I'm reading a book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, called: Bad Childhood, Good Life. It's made me think a lot the past few days about my past. Im still dealing with stuff that happened. Is happening. More on this later.
Hmm...I have to go cook now for a school project. Au revoir!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
An email from Ray.
This is an email Ray sent me today:
--- On Tue, 4/21/09, Ray Smith wrote:From: Ray Smith Subject: Re: melancholy, change, and discovery.To: mr.kaleido@yahoo.com Date: Tuesday, April 21, 2009, 4:44 PM
Well.... Things are different, i have been finding a new way of life. In spirituality, in everything. But i just dont know about you.... I have not the slightest clue about you, who you are or anything. One moment your here next your gone. you go from happy to sad, and you aren't as enlightened as you should be..... I am confused..... I am also trying to figure out why you, it wasn't coincidence, it was our souls and the universe, the all and the mighty. Somehow i get the feeling that we have a part in each others future, but i just dont understand it now..... Oh well.... Maybe you can put in your thoughts about this topic....I also cant help but remember that random old lady, or my dream car, or any of it, it wont go away, and i think it shouldn't and that it doesnt have to. I am trying to avoid anything with you, but my efforts are seeming to be futile, there is more at work, something that wont let me just let this go. In any other case i would have moved on by now, but i dont get it. And it might be that our encounter was one to get me out into the world to meet the new people who have the right lessons for me at this given time.... Well, really got to go now.... Sleep sweat..... That is my favorite expression now.... LOL....
Part of my reply (I actually wrote a lot more):
I dont know about the whys of our meeting, Im not big on grand schemes. Nor do I dismiss it as chance encounter, though that may be what all things are. Does it matter? It doesnt change the fact of what has happened. Anyone who comes into your life for an extended period of time is going to affect you, for better or worse, so I think less that it was fate that us two specifically meeting for a pre-ordained reason for the embetterment of all involved, but more that we're just two people, we met, and happened to hit it off. It doesnt matter to me the intent, or the why, what matters is the effects. What changes because of this. This was good, because I longer carry that needy desperation for romantic or sexual love, to be fulfilled as a girl/woman. To have my childhood desire for a romantic/physical relationship with a guy around my age, the teenage romance, met. Im freed from it. Its the other needs that can now come to attention and eventually be lessened or eliminated. The specifics of this are still up in the air. All to be understood with time. So, have a great day.I dont know about the whys of our meeting, Im not big on grand schemes. Nor do I dismiss it as chance encounter, though that may be what all things are. Does it matter? It doesnt change the fact of what has happened. Anyone who comes into your life for an extended period of time is going to affect you, for better or worse, so I think less that it was fate that us two specifically meeting for a pre-ordained reason for the embetterment of all involved, but more that we're just two people, we met, and happened to hit it off. It doesnt matter to me the intent, or the why, what matters is the effects. What changes because of this. This was good, because I longer carry that needy desperation for romantic or sexual love, to be fulfilled as a girl/woman. To have my childhood desire for a romantic/physical relationship with a guy around my age, the teenage romance, met. Im freed from it. Its the other needs that can now come to attention and eventually be lessened or eliminated. The specifics of this are still up in the air. All to be understood with time.
--- On Tue, 4/21/09, Ray Smith
Well.... Things are different, i have been finding a new way of life. In spirituality, in everything. But i just dont know about you.... I have not the slightest clue about you, who you are or anything. One moment your here next your gone. you go from happy to sad, and you aren't as enlightened as you should be..... I am confused..... I am also trying to figure out why you, it wasn't coincidence, it was our souls and the universe, the all and the mighty. Somehow i get the feeling that we have a part in each others future, but i just dont understand it now..... Oh well.... Maybe you can put in your thoughts about this topic....I also cant help but remember that random old lady, or my dream car, or any of it, it wont go away, and i think it shouldn't and that it doesnt have to. I am trying to avoid anything with you, but my efforts are seeming to be futile, there is more at work, something that wont let me just let this go. In any other case i would have moved on by now, but i dont get it. And it might be that our encounter was one to get me out into the world to meet the new people who have the right lessons for me at this given time.... Well, really got to go now.... Sleep sweat..... That is my favorite expression now.... LOL....
Part of my reply (I actually wrote a lot more):
I dont know about the whys of our meeting, Im not big on grand schemes. Nor do I dismiss it as chance encounter, though that may be what all things are. Does it matter? It doesnt change the fact of what has happened. Anyone who comes into your life for an extended period of time is going to affect you, for better or worse, so I think less that it was fate that us two specifically meeting for a pre-ordained reason for the embetterment of all involved, but more that we're just two people, we met, and happened to hit it off. It doesnt matter to me the intent, or the why, what matters is the effects. What changes because of this. This was good, because I longer carry that needy desperation for romantic or sexual love, to be fulfilled as a girl/woman. To have my childhood desire for a romantic/physical relationship with a guy around my age, the teenage romance, met. Im freed from it. Its the other needs that can now come to attention and eventually be lessened or eliminated. The specifics of this are still up in the air. All to be understood with time. So, have a great day.I dont know about the whys of our meeting, Im not big on grand schemes. Nor do I dismiss it as chance encounter, though that may be what all things are. Does it matter? It doesnt change the fact of what has happened. Anyone who comes into your life for an extended period of time is going to affect you, for better or worse, so I think less that it was fate that us two specifically meeting for a pre-ordained reason for the embetterment of all involved, but more that we're just two people, we met, and happened to hit it off. It doesnt matter to me the intent, or the why, what matters is the effects. What changes because of this. This was good, because I longer carry that needy desperation for romantic or sexual love, to be fulfilled as a girl/woman. To have my childhood desire for a romantic/physical relationship with a guy around my age, the teenage romance, met. Im freed from it. Its the other needs that can now come to attention and eventually be lessened or eliminated. The specifics of this are still up in the air. All to be understood with time.
About Ray
Note: if you were not already aware, all names in these blogs have been changed, or switched, to protect me from being accidently being discovered over the net by any of my relatives. Except for Erik, that is what Im called in real life. I'll change this when Im 18, of course. Because then it wont matter anymore.
Who is Ray? Well, he is my ex-fiance (in my mind, but I havent told him I dont want to be with him because I refuse to break up with anyone through email, I wish he wasnt all the way in Texas, so I could just tell him in person. But I cant act like nothing's changed when I email him, so I think eventually I will have to tell him my feelings towards him have changed, and we cant be in any sort of romantic relationship anymore. Im not going to expect him to want to remain friends, and I can hardly blame him.). I still talk to him through email. We met a month before I moved out to California, and we fell madly in love. What went wrong? Well, I'm either a butch lesbian, a transman, or transgender/genderqueer. Im confused too. The point is that Im not attracted to dudes, so obviously having a male fiance doesnt work for me. A recap for those who are unfamiliar with previous entries.
Ray is a good man. So I want to make sure that its known that he did nothing wrong. That's the point of this.
Who is Ray? Well, he is my ex-fiance (in my mind, but I havent told him I dont want to be with him because I refuse to break up with anyone through email, I wish he wasnt all the way in Texas, so I could just tell him in person. But I cant act like nothing's changed when I email him, so I think eventually I will have to tell him my feelings towards him have changed, and we cant be in any sort of romantic relationship anymore. Im not going to expect him to want to remain friends, and I can hardly blame him.). I still talk to him through email. We met a month before I moved out to California, and we fell madly in love. What went wrong? Well, I'm either a butch lesbian, a transman, or transgender/genderqueer. Im confused too. The point is that Im not attracted to dudes, so obviously having a male fiance doesnt work for me. A recap for those who are unfamiliar with previous entries.
Ray is a good man. So I want to make sure that its known that he did nothing wrong. That's the point of this.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Am I alone in these fustrations?
"I'm sad....please hold me."
Sigh...it seems everyone feels lonely and worthless these days. But blogging actually makes me feel a little better because even if no one reads or comments, I still feel that I'm being listened to, that I get to express myself honestly and without limit. I can express everything and anything! Its the beauty of the internet. I feel like my thoughts and opinions are as important and valid as anyone else's. And when you are under 18, and ruled by adults, which means what you think or want doesnt matter (or so Im treated), or isnt important, this sort of thing means a lot. It's silly I guess....but I sort of feel validated as a person, and my sense of worth goes up a little. It's nice. I wish there were people I knew in person that I could be free to be this open with, or thought I was important enough to have valid opinions. Good night everyone....
Sigh...it seems everyone feels lonely and worthless these days. But blogging actually makes me feel a little better because even if no one reads or comments, I still feel that I'm being listened to, that I get to express myself honestly and without limit. I can express everything and anything! Its the beauty of the internet. I feel like my thoughts and opinions are as important and valid as anyone else's. And when you are under 18, and ruled by adults, which means what you think or want doesnt matter (or so Im treated), or isnt important, this sort of thing means a lot. It's silly I guess....but I sort of feel validated as a person, and my sense of worth goes up a little. It's nice. I wish there were people I knew in person that I could be free to be this open with, or thought I was important enough to have valid opinions. Good night everyone....
Gender Dress Code Drama
Spring Break is over, went back to school today. I was in a dour mood all day, and the last half of yesterday. Because the subject of formal events came up and I'm actually not allowed to go to any unless I wear a dress. It started when Aunt Fifi (we were at the park yesterday, family outing) said that my eldest cousin was going to a wedding for friends of hers and that I could go. I said "Okay, but I have to go buy a tux first." then she said "Uh...youre going to be wearing a dress. Its a wedding, so you need to be presentable." I said "No, I dont wear dresses." She said "Well, I guess its not worth going then." I wanted to go to the wedding, because I've only been to one when I was little and I dont really remember it, and I just wanna see what a wedding is like. And itd be nice to dance with some people too. So, this was jarring after an extremely pleasant day of napping on the grass, and I brought it up with my dad to see what he thought of his sister imposing dressing restrictions on me. He says I need to wear a dress! No support there!
This made me furious. Later in the car prom came up, and I told my Dad, "Hey we need to all get suits." He said "Who's we?" "Well, you and me." (my brother has no need of one yet) "No, you need a dress." What the fuck?! When the hell did I get transported back to the fifties? So I went on to ask why the hell everyone's trying to make me wear dresses all of a sudden.
Then my Dad launches into this speech about making first imppressions and how people judge you on your appearance a=because thats all they have and how if I wear a man's suit instead of a woam's suit and skirt everyone will think Im poor and dont even realize I'm wearing a mans suit (its on purpose! and it also tailored to fit my body) and I dont have the good taste to pick out a woman's suit. And that I have to wear dresses to formal events because I have to present myself properly. And said my school wouldnt let me go to prom in a suit (which isnt true, a friend of mine has done it twice with no complications, they just want you to dress nicely, they dont care pants or skirt, and Im much more formal in day to day dress anyways than most of my peers, so my dad telling me Im not presentable is ridiculous).
Bottom line: If I dont wear a dress, I cant go to prom (or anything else formal), this year or next. My friends are pissed. I'm pissed. Im hoping I can change his mind, or that my psychiatrist (which I think I'll start seeing in May, i hope) can. Parents will listen to doctors, but not thier children. Im used to this. Im not giving in on this one, my friends say to just change when I get there, but I refuse to touch a dress. Its about the principle this time. Usually I'd be more than happy to take the loop hole, and I know it would be easier and that ultimately I'd get my way and my prom- but I have something to prove.
Im so angry, and i hate feeling like this- Dad doesnt understand! Him and Fifi just assume shit about me- and its so fucking stupid! I try to expalin things but they assume something totally off the mark.
Fifi, for some reason, always wants to talk about Ray. Even though she knows Dad has banned me from contacting him. "Have you talked to Ray?" I said "No."
"Its okay, Arielle." She leans towards me, slipping into confidant mode. "You can be honest with me. I'm not gonna tell your Dad."
"No, I havent talked to him. I dont want to talk to him." I'm already annoyed.
She's shocked of course, she raises an eyebrow, as if she doesnt believe I could really mean that.
"That's not very nice to say; why? Wasnt he nice?"
Im thinking, whats nice got to do with it? She hasnt stopped talking, which is why I havent said anything, which is why she assumes stuff, because she doesnt wait for explanations. She continues: "I dont understand. I thought you said you wanted to marry him, isnt that right? I guess he wasnt so great. You know, Arielle, when you find a guy you like you need to make sure that you wanna spend time with him. Its okay, you can tell me when you like a guy, its not always easy...." and on and on.
First, to Ray's credit, and for any ladies out there looking for a man to provide for them: Ray is a nice guy, he is a good man. He has his emotional baggage like the rest of us, and he needs a special lady to keep him motivated and to make him feel loved and valueable.
I say this because everyone I've told that Im done with him, the first thing they say is:
What did he do?
Oh, did he show his true colors?
I thought he was such a nice guy....
Why does everyone assume it was his fault? I'll talk more about him in another post. It's just stupid.
Anyways, my family is trying to get me to conform to female ways, and its driving me crazy. I dont know what to do or if I can do anything, I cant focus on my school work its got me so ticked off (as evidenced by this long blog post -__-). Why are they doing this all of a sudden, they never felt the need to before....is it because I'm being blantant about my non-feminimity with my short hair, and declaration of male attire and past-times? I just feel like Im gonna blow up.
Dad says he loves me, but he doesnt know who I am, and hes rejecting who I am by oppressing my expression of what's natural to me.
I cantwait till Im 18, then I dont have to obey anymore! What cruel laws have made us all slaves to such dominating and self-righteous masters!
This made me furious. Later in the car prom came up, and I told my Dad, "Hey we need to all get suits." He said "Who's we?" "Well, you and me." (my brother has no need of one yet) "No, you need a dress." What the fuck?! When the hell did I get transported back to the fifties? So I went on to ask why the hell everyone's trying to make me wear dresses all of a sudden.
Then my Dad launches into this speech about making first imppressions and how people judge you on your appearance a=because thats all they have and how if I wear a man's suit instead of a woam's suit and skirt everyone will think Im poor and dont even realize I'm wearing a mans suit (its on purpose! and it also tailored to fit my body) and I dont have the good taste to pick out a woman's suit. And that I have to wear dresses to formal events because I have to present myself properly. And said my school wouldnt let me go to prom in a suit (which isnt true, a friend of mine has done it twice with no complications, they just want you to dress nicely, they dont care pants or skirt, and Im much more formal in day to day dress anyways than most of my peers, so my dad telling me Im not presentable is ridiculous).
Bottom line: If I dont wear a dress, I cant go to prom (or anything else formal), this year or next. My friends are pissed. I'm pissed. Im hoping I can change his mind, or that my psychiatrist (which I think I'll start seeing in May, i hope) can. Parents will listen to doctors, but not thier children. Im used to this. Im not giving in on this one, my friends say to just change when I get there, but I refuse to touch a dress. Its about the principle this time. Usually I'd be more than happy to take the loop hole, and I know it would be easier and that ultimately I'd get my way and my prom- but I have something to prove.
Im so angry, and i hate feeling like this- Dad doesnt understand! Him and Fifi just assume shit about me- and its so fucking stupid! I try to expalin things but they assume something totally off the mark.
Fifi, for some reason, always wants to talk about Ray. Even though she knows Dad has banned me from contacting him. "Have you talked to Ray?" I said "No."
"Its okay, Arielle." She leans towards me, slipping into confidant mode. "You can be honest with me. I'm not gonna tell your Dad."
"No, I havent talked to him. I dont want to talk to him." I'm already annoyed.
She's shocked of course, she raises an eyebrow, as if she doesnt believe I could really mean that.
"That's not very nice to say; why? Wasnt he nice?"
Im thinking, whats nice got to do with it? She hasnt stopped talking, which is why I havent said anything, which is why she assumes stuff, because she doesnt wait for explanations. She continues: "I dont understand. I thought you said you wanted to marry him, isnt that right? I guess he wasnt so great. You know, Arielle, when you find a guy you like you need to make sure that you wanna spend time with him. Its okay, you can tell me when you like a guy, its not always easy...." and on and on.
First, to Ray's credit, and for any ladies out there looking for a man to provide for them: Ray is a nice guy, he is a good man. He has his emotional baggage like the rest of us, and he needs a special lady to keep him motivated and to make him feel loved and valueable.
I say this because everyone I've told that Im done with him, the first thing they say is:
What did he do?
Oh, did he show his true colors?
I thought he was such a nice guy....
Why does everyone assume it was his fault? I'll talk more about him in another post. It's just stupid.
Anyways, my family is trying to get me to conform to female ways, and its driving me crazy. I dont know what to do or if I can do anything, I cant focus on my school work its got me so ticked off (as evidenced by this long blog post -__-). Why are they doing this all of a sudden, they never felt the need to before....is it because I'm being blantant about my non-feminimity with my short hair, and declaration of male attire and past-times? I just feel like Im gonna blow up.
Dad says he loves me, but he doesnt know who I am, and hes rejecting who I am by oppressing my expression of what's natural to me.
I cantwait till Im 18, then I dont have to obey anymore! What cruel laws have made us all slaves to such dominating and self-righteous masters!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
The Lady Likes Dyke
This is the fantasy of every lesbian who has ever made the mistake of falling for a straight chick:
http://www.afterellen.com/node/43832
http://www.afterellen.com/node/43832
Friday, April 17, 2009
The Spectrum Comes into Focus
Maybe this really isnt all that confusing. Or I'm becoming used to the ambiguity. I guess it's just letting go the idea that thing are black and white and are either this or that, and those are the only options, and if you dont quite fit in...you just float around, unbelonging. The idea of a scale is man-made, reality is, gender is a spectrum. Like when youre in word document, and youre looking for more color options to get the text just the right color, so you make that hexagon spectrum pop up? Yeah, like that.
I thought I had myself figured out, I thought I was just a guy in a chick's body, simple, right? Not so, when I was dragged to clothes shopping with a friend, and encountered the frilliest, fluffiest pink tutu I'd ever seen. And I thought it was the greatest thing ever. And that I would look dashing in it. My downfall.
But I'm not attracted to men physically or romantically, sooo I'm not gay. Just a crossdresser. The point is my friends think Im crazy. Oh well.
But I was right about one thing- I looked awesome in that tutu! And Doc Martens, of course.
I thought I had myself figured out, I thought I was just a guy in a chick's body, simple, right? Not so, when I was dragged to clothes shopping with a friend, and encountered the frilliest, fluffiest pink tutu I'd ever seen. And I thought it was the greatest thing ever. And that I would look dashing in it. My downfall.
But I'm not attracted to men physically or romantically, sooo I'm not gay. Just a crossdresser. The point is my friends think Im crazy. Oh well.
But I was right about one thing- I looked awesome in that tutu! And Doc Martens, of course.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
